Ask the therapists: Dealing with tragedy
This week, Jenny and Blair share their own experience in dealing with trauma, grief and loss in the wake of the recent tragedy in Nova Scotia.
Well, our beloved readers, here we are. As you may know, it’s been a horrific few weeks for our family, as we grieve the loss of my sister, Lisa McCully and many other innocent, beautiful people. We’ve received hundreds of condolences and donations from friends, but also from strangers across the country who are in pain. I am learning that a crisis of this scale affects everyone deeply, even those who aren’t directly involved. That being said, we are all experiencing our own version of grief and many of us, with unresolved grief from past losses are facing that cumulative pain as well. With that in mind, I offer you these teachings that are enabling me to move through the pain of loss so that I may experience the joys of life once again.
Having a mindfulness practice, I have gone through this experience with a keen awareness of my reactions on every level. Here is a list of some of the ways a traumatic event can affect our lives and some suggestions on how to manage them:
Mentally, we might have racing thoughts, filled with ‘what if’s’ and disturbing recurring thoughts or images. Because of this, it may be very difficult to concentrate without becoming confused and frustrated. Healing from this excruciating experience is a journey, one that we can’t put parameters or timelines on, so have patience. If you’re supporting a grieving person, be aware that they may have limited mental capacity and don’t overshare. Instead, hold a quiet space for them and let them lead the conversation.
Emotionally, we might experience anger toward ourselves and want to blame others for the situation. We might fall into a pattern of excessive worry, or fear that our safety is threatened. It’s also common to feel guilty about not having done enough to save them. We might even go through a phase of complete denial that it even happened at all (an effective short-term coping mechanism but not effective for healing in the long run). All of these emotions are valid and serve a purpose within the grieving process. It’s important that we feel what we’re feeling but watch the tendency to over-indulge in the pain. Also, it’s important to monitor how much detail from the event you consume and the conversations you share with others, as they can re-traumatize, especially children.
Physically, it’s common to experience the shakes, difficulty breathing, muscle weakness, body fatigue, even numbness. Since our emotions and thoughts affect us physically, we might have difficulty sleeping, eating or exercising. Therefore, it’s essential to re-introduce movement into your body. Get outside to breathe deeply, absorb sunshine and let the rhythm of nature restore your whole system.
Socially, we might experience a desire to withdraw and avoid people, or the opposite, to immerse ourselves in socialization to distract ourselves from the painful feelings. I am realizing more than ever, that the best medicine for a broken heart is the love of good friends and family (even from a distance). Take note, however, that we can’t expect friends to know how to deal with the aftermath of a serious trauma. There are trained professionals who are ready to help, so don’t hesitate to reach out.
Today, I sit with the reality that there’s no way of re-writing history or changing the course of events that have devastated so many lives. But I am left with what I can control, which are my choices. I am reminded of my life vision, which permeates my role as a parent and my position within my business; to inspire people to live with joy, wellbeing, and peace. Spending my time consumed by anger, hatred and revenge means that I am aligning with the same malicious energy that created this situation. Instead, I re-commit to becoming an even greater force for good in the world.
As Mae West once said, “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” May this inspire you to live as Lisa did, with adventure and appreciation for the beauty of life.
Blair
Through this tragic experience, many lessons have been learned. One of the things I notice is that everyone has to express their grief and move their pain in their own way. Sometimes people can be alarmed by someone’s raw expression, like Jenny willingly leaning into her pain and sobbing deeply when it surfaces, while others might do their grieving on during a long trail ride. We have to stop judging the way people process and let them find their own way through this difficult time. When my mother passed, my sister’s, my father and I had a lot of tears and a lot of laughter, because that’s how we always lived. I remember someone criticizing me for making light of the solemn situation, when it was my loss and my experience. It doesn’t matter how you face your pain, so long as you do.
With emotions running so high the last few weeks, I noticed myself assuming the pain of everyone on their own grief journey. Once I realized that I was taking on their pain in an attempt to take care of them, I was able to release their pain by letting it flow through me. After each encounter, I now breathe deeply and imagine any sadness that was shared flowing out through my feet and down into the earth. If you are surrounded by grieving people, remember that your job is not to relieve their pain, but you can help by simply showing up and staying present to their process.
We all thought COVID 19 was the worst thing that had ever happened to us. Now, after an unimaginable tragedy has struck our family and many others, we are left with the fantasy of having social distancing as our greatest challenge. With this shift in perspective, I wonder what goodness you might notice in your day, in your family, in your life? Feel free to make this a family exercise by making a list of the top three things that you’re thankful for and share them with your family members. Leave the list by your bedside so as you go to sleep and as you wake up, you are reminded of all that is good in your life.
Finally, we can take this tragedy and use it as an impetus to influence change for a better world. For example, the video of Jenny’s sister, Lisa and her children singing on Facebook, was shown to a number of members of parliament before the vote on the recent gun law, to show the importance of stricter regulations. Let’s all take this tragedy and commit to creating something beautiful in its wake. And as Lisa would always remind her students, “Let’s keep our faith bigger than our fear.”