Ask the therapists: Grieving the loss of loved one during self-isolation

I lost my sister to an overdose almost 2 years ago. Days like today always seem to have things arise. I can be good for a while, but when something serious comes up and I want to talk to someone, she comes to mind and this seems to trigger things. She died of an overdose, and I watched her be worked on for 6 1/2 hrs. I’d just like to know if there is a certain type of yoga or meditation that you would suggest?

Jenny

Thanks for the touching message, you’ve endured a very painful experience. If it’s any consolation, we’re all facing our own version of difficulty right now, be it financial stress, or concern for our health, or worry about the underprivileged and on top of all of that, many, like you, are living with painful losses. What’s more, our social support system that we typically rely on to help us through and elevate our mood, has been removed. Instead, we’re being asked to stop and be still, something many of us have successfully avoided at all costs, our whole lives. As a culture, we tend to be obsessed with doing things and distracting ourselves because pressing the pause button on life forces us to come face to face with ourselves, and our pain. 

What’s essential for riding the wave of challenge is the amount of support you have and of course, your willingness to accept that support. Take a moment to ask yourself what kind of support you have around you that you can access to help you through when your grief is triggered. If your answer was meager, if you believe that you don’t have much support in your life, think again, because we’re right here, every week, for you and with you. So that’s one source of support, but keep going and try to add two more sources. Now, it’s one thing to have the support, it’s another to accept it. Make a commitment to yourself that you’ll take action to leverage the support you just listed, whether it’s tuning into our weekly column, emailing a friend or arranging a zoom call with a therapist. 

For some, it’s easy to feel victimized by the lack of resources in our life, so let’s take this one step further. Support does not only exist in our outside world, it also resides within you. Take a moment to be with your challenges right now, the grief and sadness that you’re feeling and ask yourself; what type of inner strength would be helpful to move me forward right now? Some examples of ‘inner resources’ might be grit, optimistic thinking, perseverance, self-love, self-care etc. You could think of these as vitamin supplements for your mind to boost your mental/emotional wellbeing.

When our need for connection is threatened or severed, as it has been for you, the part of the brain that helps us avoid pain kicks in, which can lead to anxiety, depression, withdrawal, the works. The next time you feel the grief surface, you don’t need to push it away or try to change it, but you can use your inner strengths to help yourself feel better by doing something that reflects your chosen resource. For example, in my late teens when I was grieving the loss of my family unit after my parents got divorced, I spent many years in destructive patterns that plummeted me deeper into a state of despair. Eventually, I learned that if I cultivated my inner resources of self-care and resilience, I could help myself feel stronger. That’s when I took up yoga, started drinking warm, herbal teas and chose to think kindlier toward myself.  Below your list of outer supports, go ahead and write down three things you can do to build your own strength during this time of grieving and upheaval. I encourage you to share this list with your family and friends so they can be an emotional support for you at this time.

Blair 

Thank you for sharing so honestly about your situation. Being the only remaining survivor of my family of origin, one thing that helps me deal with the loss of their counsel and support during difficult times is an exercise that I recommend you try. Pull out a pen and paper and address a letter to your sister. You can then go on to write a letter to her as if her presence is here with you. Feel free to share your pain, your love and the difficulties you’re having. Once it’s written, you can save it if you wish or take it outside and burn it, visualizing her receiving your message as it’s carried away by the wind. 

Also, mindfulness can be helpful, as it draws our awareness to the feeling tone in our body and the tendencies, we have to hold our breath in the presence of pain. The next time you notice the grief surface, take a few easy breaths, and imagine yourself gently releasing the pain on your exhalation. The relaxation that follows can open space within you for new feelings. 

As for yoga practices, any gentle flow that stretches tension from your muscles can have amazing effects on your emotional state of being. You will want to avoid styles of yoga that practice deep or rapid breathing as it can unearth traumatic memories without the proper support of a professional yoga therapist. Jenny has a number of short practices on her YouTube channel that can help.

Finally, there are a lot of trauma therapists doing online consultations during these difficult times, and I strongly suggest you reach out to someone for support. To re-iterate what Jenny says above, you are not alone and there are people ready to help you through. 

Have a question for Jenny and Blair? Send all inquiries to info@BreathingSpaceYogaStudio.ca