Ask the therapists: Moving on

I miss my best friend who was killed in the mass shooting in April. My morning coffee will never be the same, as I’m flooded with memories of sharing our blessings, our dreams, our laughter and our tears together. It’s been a few months now and I’m having a hard time moving on, what can I do to shift this? 

Jenny

Thanks for sharing your difficult situation. I agree with the words of many of the therapists working on behalf of victim services, who remind us that there is no quick fix for this situation, healing will be a long, slow path. When we’re in emotional pain, it may seem like the hours are moving at a snail’s pace and the days are crawling by. I had a family member say a few weeks ago that she keeps looking at the calendar, hoping the days will pass faster because time is the only healer for loss. 

What can we do while time is doing its healing work? We can help facilitate the healing process by filling our days with all things loving, like time with tender, caring people, music that soothes the soul and reading that reframes traumatic memories by inspiring curiosity and growth. Perhaps you could infuse your morning ritual with some of these life-giving suggestions. 

The traumatic nature of this event adds a lot more complexity to your grief, which is hard enough to deal with on its own. I strongly believe that trauma and grief work must involve the body, as emotions and life experiences land in our cellular make up. Walking is said to be very harmonizing for the body, mind and emotions because of the bilateral (side to side) stimulation. Going for walks and thinking about the joyous connection you shared with your friend will help to ease the pain of your loss and keep the love you shared alive within your heart.

It’s also important to acknowledge that where there was once a deeply fulfilling love connection, there is now a void. But just as vegetation eventually grows out of charred remains, you too will have people step in to fill the gap in your life in a different and new way. Without trying to replace her, I encourage you to stay open to new relationships that blossom from this tragedy. Grieve your loss, feel your pain and remember to keep your heart open for new friendships.

Blair 

First of all, I understand the emptiness you feel. Being the last surviving member of my family of origin, I often have the urge to pick up the phone and call but no one is there to answer. While there are many beliefs about the afterlife, I choose to subscribe to Einstein’s thought that “Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.” Since we are made up of energy, I believe that we simply assume another form when we die. With that in mind, I still communicate with loved ones that have passed on and you can too.

To help with this communication, I’ve identified a sacred place where I go to remember my family and speak with their spirits. This place for me is in Ingonish, Cape Breton, where we once enjoyed boisterous family picnics by the beach. Where did you and your friend spend time together? Sometimes the place itself is enough, or you could create a special memorial at that location, by planting a tree or a flower or building an inukshuk that represents your bond. When you frequent this spot, you can be filled with gratitude for the relationship you once had and the connection that you continue to nurture. 

You can also write letters to your best friend when you have the need to talk. After you’ve written your letter and expressed what you want to share with her, you can either save them in a box or mail them to an imaginary address, like children do when writing to Santa Claus.

Finally, many spiritual traditions believe that when people pass away, they can revisit us in other forms. Stay on the look-out for a message from your friend, that may come to you through her favorite animal or in the lyrics of a song, or other synchronistic ways. May you find comfort in knowing that once we are touched by the essence of love, it never leaves us.

Have a question for Jenny and Blair? Send all inquiries to info@BreathingSpaceYogaStudio.ca