Joy and Pain and Double Rainbows

Our 13 year old is crazy about Christmas, she loves the lights, the spices, the decorations and especially, the carols. Sooo, as soon as Remembrance Day was over, we sprinted downstairs for the bins. 

With squeals of excitement, we pulled out the pine wreaths, the snowy garland, the tall candles and the cozy deep red throws and pillows. While Bella was leading the set up with a hum of carols under her breath, I was trying my best to join the party, but there was a nagging sadness that lingered in the depths of my heart. When it was time to pick up Sophia, we shared some down time on the drive. Listening to soft carols, I was able to take a few moments to unpack the feeling I experienced which seemed at odds with the festive nature of our afternoon. And then it struck me. I remembered that the last time these decorations adorned our home, I was in a very dark state, with the pandemic still raging and the trauma of the mass shooting still fresh in our lives. 

As I took the exit for Sophia’s school, I said to Bella “I’m sorry I wasn’t fully present as we decorated the house, I just realized that I’ve memorized the feeling of sorrow and associated Christmas with sadness.”

“Yeah, no worries Mom. I think sometimes we can be happy AND sad.”

“So true Bella, that’s how I felt, happy to be decorating with you, but also living out the sadness in my memory. But I’m not in the same state I was last year, we’re healing and growing and I need to update my nervous system.” 

It amazed me how strong that emotional memory was, I felt the seer of trauma deep in my bones. No wonder we become stuck in the muck of misery.

A carol from the Pentatonics came on, which morphed into Don’t Worry, Be Happy. Bella and I gave each other a knowing glance as we sang along. “That’s your Aunt and Uncle reassuring me that it’s good and right to celebrate” I said with a smile.

We pulled into the parking lot of Sophia’s school, and I put the car in park. Just as we were commenting on the pitter patter of the rain on our roof, the sun suddenly peeked out from behind a dark cloud and shone right into our eyes. “Look at that Bella, it’s raining and sunny at the same time. Even nature rains and shines simultaneously sometimes.”

“I’m looking for the rainbow…OMG look at the rainbow!”

I jumped out of the car for a better view of this miraculous occurrence, only to discover that it wasn’t just one rainbow but a double glorious, all-consuming rainbow that surrounded our vehicle. This has to be the sixth or seventh double rainbow we’ve seen since Lisa’s passing, and I’ve chosen to see them as a sign from above, because they quite literally are.

I slid into bed that night with a deeper awareness that the body, which is a manifestation of our unconscious mind, memorizes our thoughts and feelings, especially the intense ones. We all do this, don’t we, get stuck on the miserable details and the traumas from the past? What’s worse, as we think the same thoughts and feel the same feelings, we embed them in our systems so that they become familiar…and whatever’s familiar becomes a source of comfort to us comfort seeking animals, even if it’s unhealthy or unhelpful.

We’ve all been through so much in the last few years, with your own losses and major life changes. I know many of you will relate to this feeling of sorrow as you pull out the seasonal decorations this year. Of course I’m not recommending you turn up the volume on the carols and drink your bourbon til the deafening sorrow quiets down, we can honor the pain of the past (or present) AND let a little sunshine in as well. 

Research shows that we can alter our neurobiology by simply being intentional about what we rest our awareness on, which helps us to ‘unlearn’ our painful patterns. For me, I’m honoring the losses in my life and the grief that accompanies them, but I’m also letting the childlike joy and Christmas cheer seep into my heart, like a balm for my emotional wounds. 

Besides, double rainbows can only be seen by looking up and expanding our vision. I hope you’ll join me this season!