When a loved one dies
When we came up with the title for this column, Joy of Living, my husband Blair and I were in the midst of our annual Yoga in Schools Conference. After months of preparation, we were overjoyed to be hosting teachers from all over the globe. Our hearts were filled with love and hope for humanity. This is what the Joy of Living was all about.
A week later, the kids and I were excitedly unpacking our things at a family camp we’ve attended since I was a child. This place is our heaven on earth and we were ready to soak up the joy of living with family and friends, many of whom we only see once a year. But things didn’t quite go as planned. The first morning we jumped out of bed, eagerly preparing for our fabulous day ahead, when the phone rang.
Mom’s voice was barely audible. Through her sobs I heard, “I’m so sorry Jenny but your beloved brother has taken a turn for the worse. His cancer has spread and he doesn’t have much time left.” Shock, panic and rage rose up from deep inside. What about the chemo? He was recovering! This is my strong, tall, gregarious 48 year old big brother you’re talking about! The Joy of Living suddenly seemed like an impossible concept that I might never experience again.
As I write this, I am preparing to attend Jonathan’s funeral tomorrow and the news is slowly sinking in. I am however, realizing just how culturally illiterate we are when it comes to grief. Many of us, including me, assume (or hope) that tough times such as these will last a few weeks and then we’ll slide right back into our previous way of being. In truth, grieving a loss of any kind takes time, and it’s often messy and painful work. As Leah Parsons shared in her conference presentation just a few weeks ago, “I now realize that it’s not about ‘getting over’ Rehteah, but learning to live with the pain of her loss.”
So where can we find the Joy of Living? Is it a fleeting state that we experience in those brief moments when all our ducks line up? It is, after all, human nature to cling to the positive and push away the darker, more difficult aspects of life.
One thing I’ve learned from this recent loss, is that absolutely everyone can relate to having lost someone because death is one of those certainties; no one gets out of this alive. The only mystery for all of us is when. So as we journey from the womb to the tomb, we can view life as a buffet, filled with flavors of every kind. If every food was sweet, we’d grow imbalanced and quite possibly bored. We need the salty, the sour, and even some bitter flavors to keep us growing.
When Henry David Thoreau said, “I want to live deeply and suck out all the marrow of life”, I wonder if he was inviting us to fully experience life with all its flavors. We can find the Joy of Living in the things and people that inspire us. Joy is amplified through gratitude for the goodness and beauty that blesses us each day, however subtle. The Joy of Living can even be experienced in the epicenter of the storm, when we lean on others for support to get us through.
For me, the days that have followed the news of Jonathan’s passing have been filled with the deepest pain I’ve ever known, as well as the warmest love I’ve ever received. A few months ago, when I dropped in to visit, he spontaneously scribbled a phrase on a scrap of paper and gave it to me. “Jen, this is what I need from you right now; unfaltering faith and unending optimism.” This can be his gift to all of us now. As we live our lives filled with ongoing challenges, may we know that faith and optimism will pull us through.
As you engage in your own life this week, I invite you to search for the Joy of Living in every moment, no matter its flavor.